Ambiguity

doubtfulness or uncertainty of meaning or intention

an unclear, indefinite, or equivocal word, expression, meaning

https://www.dictionary.com/browse/ambiguity

Author and theologian Richard Rohr defines liminal time in this way: “It is when you have left, or are about to leave, the tried and true, but have not yet been able to replace it with anything else. It is when you are between your old comfort zone and any possible new answer. If you are not trained in how to hold anxiety, how to live with ambiguity, how to entrust and wait, you will run…anything to flee this terrible cloud of unknowing.”

https://www.livingcompass.org/wwow/liminal-time

My life after this trauma became an ambiguous journey of self-discovery. The liminality of the mundane, new reality, caused unspeakable anxiety. I could not deal with it by myself. This terrible cloud started eating away at my bloody heart. But then the universe stepped in again. It offered me wanderlust and I gave in to the opportunity.

High up in the sky, far above my beloved clouds, I could start my liminal journey and flee from the terrible cloud of ash left by the traumatic burning of my past.

I have lost a piece of my soul once, far away from this foreign, beautiful country. As the boat quietly entered the bay there was absolute silence…..just the sound of the water softly touching the boat’s edges. I reminisce of the one other time I felt this: a unification of mind, body and soul. I would desperately want to experience that moment in my beloved Karoo very far away from this special place again….but I can feel the ashes of the past fall softly, silently settling on the boat’s shifting, floating deck under my bare feet.

I know I now have to take what the universe is offering me, and quietly listen to its silent message.

On this silent floating vessel.

Alone.

Strangers share this unbelievable journey into the most beautiful, romantic place I have ever been.

I wish I know why..

I need to come back with someone who has a key to my soul one day.

And I need to revisit my sunset in the Karoo…..

As I whisper my secret wishes into the thick warm air I can feel the soft touch of destiny’s promise on my bare arms.

As I utter a deep sigh of relief, the lens catches the dragonfly in flight.

Halong Bay, Vietnam, September 2019.

When I saw this dragonfly caught in flight, Google gave me the answer:

“The dragonfly symbolizes wisdom, change, transformation, light and adaptability in life. It shows up in people’s lives to remind them that they need to bring a lightness and joy to their life.”

I had to, once again, thank the universe for its silent, powerful messages.

Thank you, Viëtnam; it is through your soft beauty that I became aware of this journey of exiting the tried and true past, and giving me the courage to bravely step into the ambiguous space of my liminality. I knew then that I had to move on and face the terrible cloud of unknowing – and face the (unknown) future.