Grasp

To grasp refers to the understanding of the nature or meaning or quality or magnitude of something.’

https://www.thefreedictionary.com

“When it comes to love and loss, acceptance is never easy. We can’t make someone see all we have to give, make them love us, or make them change. All we can do is move on and stop wasting time.”

― April Mae Monterrosa

“When you want to share something with another person more than anything, it is one of the most difficult things to realize that you can never have it. Accepting this realization is even more difficult. Loving someone does mean saying goodbye to them in some cases, though we will fight that until the oftentimes bitter end before doing the right thing.”

― Ashly Lorenzana

“The Truth that sets you free is not a word, a sentence, a concept, idea nor person….the Truth that sets you free is the realization of who you truly are.”

― Vivian Amis

This week’s days offered seven sunrises and sunsets over my once perfect sky. Each morning started with a sudden, clear realization of the reality that I now HAVE to grasp. The clouds were there, but could not give any answer to my one remaining question: what is the reason for love that dies?

The truth did not set us free. Perhaps the truth is to be found in finding ourselves – away from each other. Forever. This is my only solution in this horrible week of the last days of our acquaintance.

The magnitude of my situation is overwhelming. As I enter the building I experience the familiar nauseous anxiety I have come to know before. I hurriedly turn around to exit and find some fresh air and hide from the people around me. The mask helps, and I can hide behind the foggy glasses in front of my eyes. I have to remove the mask in order to breathe. Impossible. An impossible situation. I try to find solace in looking up at the bright, red flowers of my favourite tree. It does not help: I get flashes of her in my house, with everything I have bought and carefully selected. Memories of us, which are only meaningless, beautiful objects to her, with no relevance in their new reality. I imagine my house now filled with happy laughter and love and companionship and hugs and soft words and depth of feelings that were withheld from me. Tears well up in my eyes when I think of the feelings that I have to kill once more. I am hurt, but I am not angry. I am sad.

Loss is not easy, and love lost is worse.

The realization of the finality of us is a thought of magnitude.

I need to get through this again. Make peace, and move on.