Clouded

There exits a dictionary of dreams: “to see murky or dirty water in your dream indicates that you are wallowing in your negative emotions. You may need to take some time to cleanse your mind and find internal peace. Alternatively, the dream suggests that your thinking/judgment is unclear and clouded. If you are immersed in muddy water, then it indicates that you are in over your head in a situation and are overwhelmed by your emotions.”

https://www.dream-of.com

My floating, endless drifting journey suddenly turned dark and clouded as my head hit something waiting just below the surface of the clear, reflective meniscus of the water. It started a quickening of the current. An uncontrollable force started taking control of my body as I was pulled just below the surface. I lost sight of the spectacular cloud above my head.

I cannot keep my eyes open. No. I can’t breathe. No. I can’t see the auspicious rays of sunlight beyond my beautiful cloud. No, please, no! My head is now completely submerged and I involuntarily close my eyes. No. It is dark. I can’t see. I hear the words, but can only see darkness. I can’t speak.

No.

Uitsig Estate, 14 July 2018

I remember it clearly; for it is now etched in my mind. It was a Sunday evening in the kitchen and we were surrounded by the cold reflections of the stainless steel around us. In a clear and calm statement he finally uttered the silent secret when I was brave enough to ask the question.

My head hit the rock underneath the water. The current turned into a dark, muddy whirlpool and the world went black. As I came up from the darkness momentarily, I saw that the sky has now changed, and I could not recognize it anymore. The clouds became dark, eerie premonitions of the words of doom. But it did not matter anymore. The current was whirling around my head, I got sucked in deeper and deeper into the darkness. I tried to breathe, but could only taste the dark pieces of hard earth in-between the sticky, muddy mess. I could not escape the words . I stopped breathing for a moment as everything around me turned black, then started gasping for air again. Nothing. Only darkness. Mud. Cloudy water. Fear. I am drowning in our mess.

This is when I stopped looking up at the clouds.